What Does It Feel To Be Medicated? Another Conversation With X.
I. Introduction
As the title stated, today's article is a conversation between me and X - my favorite person on Earth - about mental illness and taking prescribed medication, as well as other interesting related topics, such as why people romanticize mental illness, and whether mental illness makes you more “deep” and creative.
This is not the first time X has appeared on my website, in another article called Inside A Mind of An BPD Patient (Borderline Disorder Personality) - Full Interview with X about Love, Mental illness, and Obsession, X has opened up about their experiences as someone with BPD. And now they are back, with more interesting stories to share. They also wish to remain anonymous through and through, so we will keep referring to them as X.
Along with their narratives, I add more formal research to support the article. As usual, all the references will be put at the end of the article, and I encourage you to discover further these resources if you are interested.
I’m writing this article in the middle of Christmas, in a cafe down the street, and feeling terribly homesick. Even though Christmas is my favorite holiday, and my birthday was just 3 days ago, I wish summer came sooner so I could go back to Vietnam for a while. Anyways, wish all of my readers, and non-readers, a happy, jolly, *insert 1000 adjectives* Holiday season.
Best,
Tam
II. Interview
Interviewer
Hi X, welcome back. How have things been going for you? Like life in general?
X
I’m thrilled! Yeah, things have been going up and down, as it’s always been *sigh*, but I must admit, I’m being very productive this year. I get a lot of things done and I’ve met so many new and amazing people.
Interviewer
Cool! Let’s get more specific, how about your mental health? I’ve heard you’ve been taking prescribed medication?
X
Yeah. I took medication before, but this is the first time I have taken anti-psychotics, specifically.
Interviewer
How does that happen?
X
So I’ve been seeing my therapist ever since our last talk, in October 2022 I think. And things have been going well for me. Too well that even my therapist was like “Hey you’ve been doing so well recently, how about we reduce the frequency of the appointments?” and I was like “That works for me!”. And I thought this is it, I’m done. I’m fine now, I just need to keep doing what I’m doing. I was out and about, full of energy and enjoying life and stuff. I was so happy. Little did I know this would not last forever.
Interviewer
I’m so sorry to hear about that, and what came next, if you don’t mind sharing?
X
From January to April this year, I was still doing so well with my life. I was surprisingly good at grinding and making connections with others. I was born for the hustle culture, I swear to God. But then summer came, and things started going downhill. I didn’t know what happened, I got back to Vancouver after my first solo travel trip, and I was so proud of myself for pulling it off. And then the next day, I felt so despair and hopeless and lonely and sad. I couldn’t get out of bed for a whole week. I only got 2 weeks off before entering the summer semester, one was spent on the trip, and the other one was just me lying around on the bed all day, doing nothing.
Interviewer
How was the summer semester?
X
Like hell *laugh*. It was a complete shit show. My grades were so bad, I passed, but my GPA was like significantly lower compared to my previous semesters. And I felt like dying every day, you know. I skipped the class, I didn’t talk to anyone for weeks, and the heat waves were so terrible, it made me sick. I never like summer, everything is so sweaty and crowded, and it feels like everyone is happy, except for me. It was just me lying around, and sabotaging my friendship. It was not a big deal, but I tried to make it big, you know, so I had the excuse to never talk to that friend of mine again. It’s all good now, don’t worry.
I didn’t know what to do. I had my therapist, but now the appointment was down to once every month. And when the chance came to talk to her, somehow I was feeling better that day. Yeah, it was like a complete shit show, I told you. So I just kept telling her like “Oh nothing, I’m doing fine, I’m completely fine, I’m doing so fine that you will be out of a job soon”, and then the chance went away, and the next day, I came back to being miserable. I should’ve known that it was a sign.
Interviewer
How could you’ve known, right?
X
I don’t know. And I remember on the very last days of summer, the air was getting less dense, I thought to myself “How about being useful for once and getting out of the house for today, huh?”. So I tried my best, and I went to an improv theater. It was my favorite place, I used to go there before this depressive episode. They were teaching a stand-up comedy workshop, and people could choose to sit back and watch or participate. So I sat back and watched, and I felt more and more terrible. I was overthinking, anxious, and depressed, even though everyone around me was laughing like crazy.
I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I left early. I decided to keep trying, I bought some napoletana slices and walked to the English Bay. It was very beautiful, the beach, the sand, the air, the people and stuff. I walked along the seawall and watched the sunset. I was still overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, and nothing could make them stop.
Then this thing happened. I felt quiet for a moment. Then it was just weird. I felt like I wasn’t there, at the English Bay, anymore, I was somewhere else. I don’t think I exist anymore. I started walking back to the nearest skytrain station. I just kept walking the streets, like a zombie or something. I didn’t hear anything anymore, I didn’t see anything anymore. Hell I didn’t even think anymore, I just kept walking. The sound of the world, the cars honking, people chatting, the light from the neon signs, the skyscrapers, they exist. But I don’t exist, you know.
I got into the skytrain and went home. I didn’t blink for a whole damn 30 minutes, I just stared at the door. It took that time to get me back to home. I didn’t feel like moving or anything. I tried to lift my finger and it didn’t feel like my finger. Whose finger I don’t know, but certainly wasn’t mine. I was conscious that I needed to do this and do that to get home, but it felt like I had stopped existing. That was the only time so far I got into that catatonic state. It was horrified and it was so bad.
Interviewer
Did you talk to your therapist after?
X
Yeah, I did. I finally talked to her about it, it wasn’t feeling right anymore. And she was concerned that she urged me to see a physician. She told me I should consider taking medication. And that idea put me off. It was like 6 months ago, it took me 6 months to finally go and see the physician.
Interviewer
How so?
X
I don’t know. I was scared I guess. I didn’t want to see the physician, I didn’t like all those shit. Buddhism and therapy talk worked for me once, why didn’t it work anymore, I didn’t understand. I thought I was fine. My parents thought I was normal again. Before this depressive episode they made me admit that it was all in here *pointing in their temple*, it was my imagination, I was upset cause my ex-girlfriend dumped me, and that’s about it.
Interviewer
Why did it take you 6 months to go and see the doctor? What happened during the fall?
X
Maybe a few days after the talk with my therapist, I started getting my energy back. The fall semester was back on, and suddenly, I was fine again. I was more than fine. I pulled some crazy shit during the whole fall season.
Interviewer
So you got back into the manic episode?
X
Yes. So the manic episode was the opposite of a depressive episode. You go crazy, in a positive way. You are full of adrenaline, and you become so productive and so happy. So I got back into the stage, and I was like “Fuck going to the physician, I’m fine.” I ignored my therapist’s advice. And when I talked to her again, I only mentioned all the crazy, good things and pretty girls I flirted with.
Interviewer
Good for you, and did this manic episode last 3 months?
X
Yeah, it was. Maybe add 1 or 2 months, but average, 3 months. During 3 months there were some mood swings, like between day and night, or between days and days, but overall the vibe was very hyping.
Interviewer
Okay, and now the depressive episode is coming back, right?
X
Yes, it is. This time when I noticed it, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. So I scheduled with a physician, and that’s how it ended up.
Interviewer
What’s the experience of taking medication going so far?
X
So I did a monologue in front of my physician and she prescribed me some anti-psychotics to help with my insomnia and mood swings, and she’s like “Just take one whenever you’re sad or something.” She also put me on the waitlist for an appointment with a psychiatrist for further assessment. I told her I didn’t know who I was anymore, of all the doctors I came to, they diagnosed me with either BPD or C-PTSD, so what am I, exactly? Then this current physician told me that BPD and C-PTSD are generally not diagnosed, cause they belong to the personality. And I’m like, “That’s not.. What are you talking about?”
I have been trying so hard to get rid of the idea that my mental illness is a part of me. It’s not my personality, I am more than that, and now I need to know the diagnosis so I can finally get over it once and for all. She then told me that it’s not as bad as I thought, it is just BPD and C-PTSD are very hard to diagnose, and the important is the proper treatment. Seeing therapist and psychiatrist, and in the meantime, taking medication to reduce the symptoms, psychotic episodes, anxiety, depression, and stuff like that.
So far, it’s kind of, meh, I guess. Cause you know, when you take it, you feel so sleepy and drowsy. It makes you sleep well at night, but the side effects are drowsy and some vivid crazy dreams. It’s kinda like either numbing my feelings or triumphing all those feelings with sleepiness. Sleep solves everything, it washes away your brain with a bucket of cold ice water. And in the morning, you wake up, you still feel a bit drowsy, and you look at your to-do list for the day, and you’re like “Okay, whose’s idea is this to complete this bullshit, 'cause it’s certainly ain't mine.”
Suddenly, things don’t feel that important anymore, nothing matter, like Nas said “Life’s a bitch, then you die, right?”. But then I think for a minute, sure, these are all bullshits, but it’s not like I have better things to do with my life anyways. I don’t wanna lay around in my bed in my room all day and be stuck with the lousy housemate. So I get up and prepare to get shit done. And on my way to prepare and get my shit done, this is where things happen, right? Things happen during these times, and they can be bad or can be good.
If it’s good, then that’s great, if it’s bad, not so great, but I don’t overthink anymore. I try my best to solve it for today. If it can’t be done for today, I let it be done tomorrow, what’s good with worrying anyway? I don’t have a voice whispering to my ears about how a piece of shit I am, it’s just the image of the things that are present in front of me. I still can enjoy when things are good, and I don’t worry much when things get bad.
First of all, this is bullshit anyway, and second of all, I can’t do anything about it, right? And then done for the day, I go home, I take another pill, and adios, I pass out in like 30 minutes. In the dream, I can daydream about everything I want.
There’s this girl I desperately want. She’s from Brooklyn, she has freckles and brown hair and green eyes and she likes to read under the Brooklyn Bridge Park crowded with tourists. She likes Bossa Nova and black boots, she cries walking down Broadway, and she puts this stupid little red string around her wrist. I once dreamt of us on the beach in the summer, under the warm sun, cold sand, and blue sky. She’s in her yellow swimsuit, lying on top of me, and I can smell the sunscreen on her skin, it smells like Vanilla. I put on my sunglasses, and life is good. I'm 19 and I wish we stay there forever.
The thing is, she don’t know me at all. And I don’t know her, but who cares, right? Cause that’s my little fantasy, and I’m happy.
And in the morning, I wake up, I still have some lingering feelings cause shit gets real, and then I check my to-do list again. I mean, all my to-do list are there to help me get closer to my dream life, right? So I just do all of them and hope that the future will work out itself. And on my way to do them, I enjoy things that come with it. Just that.
I mean the way I describe it may sound like a little nightmare, getting stuck in the matrix or something, but it’s not really. I feel good just doing them. And while doing them, I meet a lot of new people and new opportunities, you know. And who knows what those things can lead to, right?
Interviewer
Being in constant mood swing like that sounds horrible. Why do you think people still romanticizing mental illness?
X
That’s a good question. I think, first of all, mental illness is tragic. And people like tragedy, there’s something about having strangers paying attention and showing empathy toward you that may be appealing to some people. But most grow up from that phase, cause let’s be real, making mental illness your whole personality trend is kinda outdated already, get a new hobby, please!
Just kidding, but yeah, getting attention, having mental illness as your personality, and no need to take responsibility for your happiness is common, especially when you are young, and still figuring things out.
Secondly, the way mental illness is portrayed in movies and books, but in these movies specifically. I have watched so many films that I can’t recall the name, but you know, the main character would usually be a good-looking, rich, young, white man, with some artsy hobbies, either writing, poetry, music, or painting. And he lives in a mansion or a castle or something.
And the idleness of doing nothing, no job, no worries about mundane things, just daydreaming and wandering around the garden, throwing dinner party on a midsummer night, and stuff like that, the aesthetic. And the appealing in here is despite having a seemingly perfect life, he’s still suffering from mental illness. And he still looks good, hell he’s even making more sad songs and music or whatever.
So all of that contradictions and glamory, draw people toward it. Either people wanna be him, or be with him. And for people who wanna be with him, they think somehow they can fix him. They will make him change, they will make him happy, and they will fall in love, and have a perfect life, just wandering around, having intellectual conversations, doing nothing in the mansion all day. All of that stuff, it’s only in movies! It’s not real.
In real life, most normal people don’t have that lifestyle and that money. When mentally ill people have some psychotic episodes, it doesn’t look pretty and perfect at all. It’s ugly, it’s overwhelming. You've probably seen a person who’s under the influence of drugs or alcohol in the real world, right? They are so intimidating and no one would want to get close to them to help. I’m not saying having mental illness looks like that, but it sure looks closer than that, than whatever the young, rich, fictional character in the movie looks like.
And thirdly, mental illness gets associated with creativity. Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Franz Kafka. These great artists led a very tragic life, being misunderstood, and lonely, and eventually killed themselves. And yet, they left a legacy for many decades later. They are genius, and they are cool. But something people don’t know is that they created those masterpieces when they were in their manic episodes. They were in ecstasy. They were invincible, they had a lot of energy to do things. And being in pain doesn’t make you a good writer or a good painter. Practicing and having an environment that nurtures those skills may make you.
Interviewer
That’s interesting. So are you saying that everything is a coincidence? Of all the great, mentally ill people in the art industry, it was just a coincidence that they were good at it?
X
Well, I’m aware that the art industry does draw kids who are more lonely and stuff. How can I say this? So mental illness can be developed according to the way a child is brought up, right? So let say a child is brought up by narcissistic parents, they can feel various emotions. From lonely to angry. And what a lonely kid will do? No friend, and no one to talk to, so they tend to gear toward solo activity, either reading, writing, or painting.
Computer science is a good solo activity, but most people don’t have the intuition to use a computer to code, as compared to reading writing, and drawing, right? Eventually, through these activities, some skills get nurtured and those can be developed well in the future. I say can, not most certainly.
But it doesn’t have the same meaning as having a mental illness will automatically make you an artsy, cool, or genius person. It’s not. When you are depressed, you can barely get out of bed, not saying doing all these intellectual activities. And some people say that having depression makes them more deep. They feel deeper than others, like feeling sad over nothing. For me, it’s not a good thing, I struggle with it a lot. It’s easy to get sad than to be happy. Current state of the world, sad songs, sad movies, correct me but ain’t all the Oscar movies sad? I doubt they give Oscars to comedies.
But for me, being deep is not that you have to constantly feel sad and beat yourself up mentally. You can read about thought-provoking topics, you can learn to create things, you can socialize, you can be empathetic and aware of other people, that’s what makes you you, that’s what makes you deep if you prefer that word. feeling
Interviewer
Good point. And it feels like people enjoy being toxic and abusive, at least in Tiktok. Like is it safe to assume that mental illness can amplify these certain behaviors, even unintentionally?
X
BPD and C-PTSD in particular, mess up your head so badly, and it makes your behavior can be unpredictable. And when you are an unpredictable person, you can do all sorts of things. And I guess there is a trend of being toxic and don’t give a fuck, independent, girl boss, I don’t know. But the reality is you trying to survive, trying to get your shit done, trying to feel normal, and enjoying life and all. I don’t wanna waste all my beauty and my youth and my time to survive, you know. I wanna be happy. I swear, this question can lead to so many reasons underlying it, man. But I blame the movies the most.
Interviewer
So what do you feel, after all? Any advice?
X
So I think, either it is C-PTSD or BPD, it doesn’t matter. It is just a term, a spectrum may I say. And I still stand true that is not my personality, it is something that happens to me, and I take precautions to prevent it. Whatever makes you happy, right? But before you succumb to it and accept it, then please try to be do something about it first, to see how you feel. To not have all these symptoms, to be able to carry yourself in the way you want without being miserable.
See how it goes first, before accepting BPD or C-PTSD to be a part of yourself that will never be changed. I think I said this before, but it takes so long for us to be miserable, and even longer to realize it doesn’t have to be that way. There are other ways out there. Both therapist and physician tell me to not get to the end of the diagnosis, but you know what, I wanna know. For once, just for the sake of it, and then I will give it all up.
I don’t like to think about my identity or my personality way too much these days. It doesn’t matter anymore. Thinking about these too much, and also the past, makes my symptoms worse, and when it gets worse, I will need to take my medication, and I don’t enjoy being drowsy in the daylight. I am just a person And as a person living in this life, I set my goal, I get shit done, I try to figure out what makes me happy, what I like and what I don’t, what kind of people I wanna befriend, that’s it. And before I know it, I die. What a blessing.
More shit coming and it will lead me to some good places, I hope. And I’ll try to be in the present, try to enjoy whatever comes next.
III. References.
