Miss Girl Criminal - An Excerpt.
Written by Tam Nguyen.
Synopsis
A Vietnamese-Canadian young adult accidentally committed a national crisis crime and now she has to deal with consequences.
Characters
The girl (she/her, female, Vietnamese-Canadian, 20s)
Captain (she/her, female, Black, 40s)
Officer 1 (she/her female, Caucasian, 30s)
Officer 2 (he/him, male, O.E, 30s)
ACT I
At night, inside an apartment somewhere around 5th Avenue.
We can see the apartment is a mess with dishes soaking in the sink, empty take-out containers on the table, and dirty socks on the floor.
Despite a mess, a college-age girl is sleeping on the couch, frowning her forehead. A YouTube video called “Learn Organic Chemistry in 15 minutes” is playing on the TV screen.
Suddenly, there’s a loud BANG on the door that can easily wake up a whole neighborhood. The girl is still sleeping.
Another BANG.
THE GIRL: (sleepy voice): Fuck you and your dead nanny where’s the group repor-
(Quiet for a moment, then a squad of RCMP shoves through the doors, fully armed, bullet-proof vests.)
RCMP SQUAD (They yell at the girl): Freeze, you are under arrest!
(She jumps up and baffles at the squad.)
THE GIRL (Yell back) : You can’t arrest me; I’m gay and Asian!
(Silence.)
Wait, which crime again?
(One of the officers steps up.)
CAPTAIN (Serious): You have committed a crime against national security. You are the reason why Canada is in the worst aging population crisis ever, miss.
THE GIRL : First of all, I can’t even get out of the couch today! I’m this close (make a gunpoint to her head) to use the loaded pistol on my purse after the chemistry lecture. Wanna see?
Second of all, I ain't Loblaws and I ain't raise the rents.
(Captain pulls out a notebook from her pocket.)
THE GIRL (Surprised, French): Excuze-moi, is that my diary?
CAPTAIN: No miss you didn't, thank god we already have CEOs for that. However, you invented an algorithm on how to break up with completely healthy and happy relationship, it’s in this notebook. Do you still deny the allegation?
THE GIRL: That algorithm is for lesbians only. What does it have to do with the national crisis? You cannot just tell lesbians to get pregnant, it’s homopho-
CAPTAIN: - Okay miss, some straight people stole it and now they all break up. No babies are born anymore. Do you understand this can threaten the existence of a whole nation?
THE GIRL (mumbles): Classic move, first Girl in Red and now this. Can we have our thing just for once?
CAPTAIN: Young lady, it seems like you are not understanding the situation here. You are responsible for creating such a deadly algorithm.
(Captain starts opening the notebook.)
THE GIRL: Hey that’s private!
(Inside the notebook, we see a fully written page.)
CAPTAIN (start reading): Dear diary, this is how to break up with a completely healthy and happy relationship (lesbian version).
Step 1: Fact Check
Make sure that your relationship is completely happy and healthy, and your girlfriend is a good person. Do NOT break up with narcissists and psychopaths, cause they are hot.
THE GIRL: (Laugh) True, you know Killing Eve? Villanelle? No? What are you, 80?
CAPTAIN (Ignore, continue reading):
Step 2: I Deserve Better.
Consume as much social media as you can, preferably about someone richer, prettier, and more talented and then ask yourself this question “What is the thing that I don’t like about my girlfriend?”
Preferably something she can improve easily. The easier that is, the tastier it feels at the end.
Step 3: Is it better to say or to die?
To die it is! Do NOT communicate it with your girlfriend. If she asks if everything is okay, you say “Of course babe, everything is, indeed, fine”.
(Officer 1 standing behind Captain.)
OFFICER 1 (suddenly bursts into tears) : M-my ex-husband, he used to say it to me… while he dried hump that bitch next door!
THE GIRL: Amen sister!
(Officer 2, who is standing next to Officer 1, gives her some empathetic pads on her shoulder.)
(CAPTAIN continues reading.)
Step 3.5: The Bestfriend
Find someone who dislikes your girlfriend for no reason, and tell them about your problem. You gonna have the most eye-opening conversation of your life.
But again, an important thing needs to be repeated twice: DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
THE GIRL (Baffle): Okay can you stop? How is this my fault again? All the male presidents have been playing around with war and shit, and you didn't arrest them, did you?
CAPTAIN (cough louder, ignore, continue reading):
Step 4: Not my fault
Leave the problem sink in long enough so you can start resenting her. It’s her fault that she can’t read your mind.
Entering a loop condition:
If you haven’t resent her enough:
Go back to step 1.
Start again.
Else: move on to Step 5.
Step 5: Oscar Nomination
Let’s keep acting like things are okay. Planning for future, road trips, and holidays. Telling how much you love her and how she is way too good for you.
For extra fun, let’s ask her to U-Haul-
THE GIRL (interrupt): - Only if you haven’t done so after the first date. Cause you know, twice would-
CAPTAIN (talk over): - Or to marry you, or to adopt a cat. Don’t worry, it’s not like you’re gonna do all these things for real, right?
Step 6: Self-care
Convince yourself she is not the one, you deserve better. She is too flawed! (the flaw that you make it up and can be easily changed if you tell her in the first place)
Step 6.5. Almost there
You should probably fall out of love with her at this point, but if you are not, go back and keep grinding through these previous steps, you will get there eventually.
Optional step: You may consider emotionally cheating to faster the process.
THE GIRL (start yapping): True story, I know a guy who still swipes on Tinder while in a relationship, I don’t think he can match with anyone with that face tho, but like -
CAPTAIN (lost temper): Jesus Miss Gurl! Will you let me finish the damn thing?
THE GIRL: Okay fine, I’ll stop.
(Beat.)
But tell me when I can start talking again tho..
CAPTAIN (Continue reading):
Step 7: Shoot the news
Once you fall out of love, tell her you wanna break up. I suggest sending a breakup text while she is having a night out with friends. Surprise baby!
(Officer 2 standing next to Officer 1.)
OFFICER 2 (Burst to tears): It was my mom’s birthday-
(Officer 1 gives Officer 2 a napkin.)
CAPTAIN: Come on girls, get yourself together. We’re working here, remember?
(Continue reading)
Step 8: Gatekeep
Do NOT give her a second chance to fix the problem. How hard do you have to work to NOT tell her in the first place, right? Are you letting all of these efforts go to waste?
Step 9: Final Step
Walk away from your perfectly healthy and happy relationship, convince yourself you dodge a bullet. If she cannot read your mind, that’s not your soulmate. Next time consider dating a prophet!
(The police officer stops reading.)
CAPTAIN: Seriously, who hurt you?
THE GIRL (shrugs her shoulder): All the pretty girls, I guess. Happy Valentine!
