Inside A Mind of An BPD Patient (Borderline Disorder Personality) - Full Interview with X about Love, Mental illness, and Obsession.
Overview of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognized personality disorder.
In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others.
The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into 4 main areas:
- Emotional instability – the psychological term for this is affective dysregulation
- Disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – cognitive distortions or perceptual distortions
- Impulsive behaviour
- Intense but unstable relationships with others
The symptoms of a personality disorder may range from mild to severe and usually emerge in adolescence, persisting into adulthood.
X has a pretty typical Asian look, with almond-shaped black eyes, messy black hair, pale skin, and small hands. But there’s something more about X that keeps me wondering for the whole time ever since I met them. Perhaps it is how their brain works, and how they perceive reality. At first, X appears reserved, quiet, and distant. Their eyes are sharp and deep, but tired and uninterested at the same time. X really has that dreamy look of some old, good-looking artists from the 90s, with a grumpy manner, especially when being disturbed. X possesses some artistic skills, playing instruments, reading, and contemplating their life. It turns out a surprise when X actually majors in Computer Science, and we go to the same tutorial lab sections every Tuesday at college.
It’s easy to think of X as a spoiled, upper-middle class, and pretentious phony, with that yellow floral, green, and tennis ball scents (it smells really good by the way) lingering in their body. But X has such polite and humble manners, always genuinely listens to what you are talking about, and will gently hush other people if they try to interrupt you, “people always have something to say, and I like listening to them.” X will make silly faces and expressions just to cheer you up when you’re sad. They can be so charming and persuasive when they want to.
Quiet and observant by nature, but well-spoken and eager to raise their ideas. A pleasant, respectful, and comfortable kiddo to be around, I must say. Despite of sleepy looks, they’re very enthusiastic about learning and experiencing new things. X tells me that their friends think of them as a lost cause, a constantly changing, unstable individual because X seems like never focuses on anything and has many different goals. But it turns out, curiosity and an open mind drive them forward. Having a passion for art, science, and technology, this way will save them from being bored to death if they only experience one thing at a time. Once they commit, X never does things halfhearted, “all or nothing, no in between.”
The more I learn about X, the less I understand them. X has specific rules to go for on daily basis. Never put a cold drink on the table without a coaster, “don’t you feel annoyed by those disgusted water rings, tam?”. Goes on running at exactly 8 p.m, for about 2 hours. Rarely misses a day, except in bad weather conditions, or really sick only. Enjoys deep-clean things, like dishes or the bathroom floor, “damn it, I’m turning into my mom.” Hating noises, especially chewing sounds, “you know, I can imagine that chewing sounds crawling into my brain, nesting, and breeding in it. And it drives me crazy.” Average cooking skills, and sometimes burns the pan while frying a sunny side egg. Always looking for scientific evidence to explain things around them. Get heartbroken and they go straight to Google and Youtube to find books and videos about the science of being sad and grieving.
Once you get close to them, you realize they have very contradicting personalities, and also, many flaws. Has the tendency to be rude and arrogant, holding grudges, extremely judgmental and bitter, and narcissistic. Anger issue, if things don’t go as they want it to be. You guys can have a really good time together, but a second later, X can turn out so depressed and distanced. Want to do things to satisfy only their curious mind, but at the same time, want to be remembered after death, “I have vanity inside my blood, and I enjoy it every time.”
But the good thing is, X is fully awared of their flaws, and constantly tries to be a better person. After they read my article about the conscious and unconscious mind, and sure did some of the research on their own, they came to me to discuss it. For the first time, X opened up to me that they got diagnosed with BPD, borderline personality disorder, a short time ago, exactly like Bojack Horseman, the main subject of my other article. X did go to therapy, took pills, ghosted that therapy, “that shrink not know a shit about anything”, then went to another one for more proper treatments, at least in their opinion. But I do believe they are doing well, they now enjoy meditation and mindfulness more than ever, and I can see they are getting better at controlling their anger issue. “I know I did bad things in the past, treating people shitty, but I can’t go on like this anymore. I need to be a better person. I want to be happy.”
Things get clearer to me, why they can be polite, well-mannered and sociable, and the next second, before you’re even aware of it, turns out to be the most unempathetic, ruthless, and judgemental person ever. As thing gets more personal, X talked about their past relationships and love. After that brief conversation, I got the idea to write a short story about this, cause I’ve never thought of love this way, and I would want to bring this perspective about love, from a mentally ill patient, to more people. At the end of the day, that’s the purpose of my blog, to bring more perspective to my readers.
It could be unpleasant, but I think it’s important to know about. Through this interview, I could see myself in it with some certain levels, and have self-reflection on mistakes I made in the past, so I can improve in the future. So I asked X about the interview, and they said yes, with one condition, which is to completely hide their identity. So below here is our interview about love, obsession, and mental illness in English. The short story I write later, however, is in Vietnamese, my mother tongue, because I want to describe it at the most emotional and realistic level, which I couldn’t do it in English yet.
Here is the link to my story in Vietnamese if you're interested:
Tam Nguyen
Interviewer
So, how did you find out you got BPD? Did you realize any symptoms before getting diagnosed?
X
Well, yeah actually. I find myself going through extreme mood swings, depression, and a lot of intrusive thoughts, like hurting myself and other people. Like it happened so often, so usually, and for the longest time, I believed that it was me. It was just how I was born, and nothing I could do to stop it. So I accepted it. Then some events happened, and I realized that maybe I should visit the therapist to see how thing goes.
Interviewer
How did you feel after you got diagnosed?
X
Honestly, both relieved and terrified, at the same time.
Interviewer
How so?
X
You know, relieved cause I wasn’t crazy. Indeed something was wrong with me, that I didn’t imagine and made up stories inside my head. Everything started making more sense than ever. And terrified, because the chaos was everything I'd ever known. I thought it was a part of me, a part of my identity, something unseparated. And out of nowhere, a complete stranger, my therapist, told me that chaos wasn’t me, and it could be cured. How the hell did I suppose to feel? “Who am I without that chaos?”, I wondered. Of course, the chaos was so insidious and devil, it ate me alive every fucking day. But at the same time, it was so familiar, so comforting, and I did love it with everything I had.
Interviewer
If you don’t mind, can you share with me the reasons why you get BDP in the first place?
X
It has something to do with my relationships between me and my parents, and my friends, during the time I grow up.
Interviewer
How was your mother?
X
They were both emotionally absent. My mom had high expectations of me, and she was very tough and strict when I didn't achieve that expectations. She also has some kind of savior complex, it’s a hard thing to explain, but it seems like many mothers share this trait. Like she always wants to fix and save other people from their problems, while her life is literally falling apart, because she wants a sense of controlling everything. When she got mad, she would break things around her, like dishes and bowls. She was very busy with her accounting business. When my friends told me their moms picked them up at 5 p.m after school, I was so confused, cause my mom always came home at 8, or even 9 p.m. So she didn’t have time to care about my process and my emotions. The only thing she wanted to see was the final result.
Interviewer
And your father?
X
My dad had anger issues and he always had sarcastic and bitter things to say when things didn’t go as he wanted. He had some natural talent for guilt-tripping so that I wouldn’t do things that were against his will. He neither cared much about how my mom educated me nor care about what was going on in my life, “how the hell can happen in the life of a 16, tho?” He was busy with his job, too. When he had free time, he would lock himself in his room and read newspapers and books. Once he crashed my phone when we were in a fight. We didn’t talk for a few days and later on, he bought me a better one, but still, not a word was discussed about what happened. Not an apology, just simply nothing. And we moved on.
Interviewer
Anything more?
X
My parents have always been so progressive and open-minded, fortunately. They let me experience and learn whatever I want. They encourage me to become whoever I want to be, and do whatever I want to do, legally, obviously. Our relationship gets better recently after I was diagnosed with BPD. And they have realized their mistakes in parenting and apologized to me, which I’m so grateful and appreciate. An ironic thing about it, is now I feel guilty for resenting them in any way. What they did was in the past, and no one could change it, but it has life-long consequences in my life. But now I don’t want to admit that part, I feel so shame and guilt, cause they are trying so hard to make up for it, you know.
Interviewer
Do you have any siblings?
X
Yes, I do. I have 2, one is 20 years older than me, and another one is 5 years younger. My older sibling already has her own family, and because the age gap is so big, we don’t talk much. But I love her, and she’s always nice to me. When I was smaller, she took me out to watch movies and bought me toys for my birthday. My younger sibling, unfortunately, is very different from me. Our personalities, as well as hobbies, have nothing in common. So growing up in this kind of family, kiddos like me were naturally seeking happiness, joy, comfort, and validation from their friendships.
Interviewer
Did you find them?
X
For a while, yes. I loved and valued friendships more than anything. I could live and die for them, cause they were everything I had at that time. We would stay up late after school, running around and making comic plays together. We talked about deep things and made so many meaningful memories. To this day, I never regret anything about all my past friendships.
Interviewer
How things have changed?
X
It started when we went to high school. We went to different schools, in different cities. So things weren’t the same anymore. They had more priority in their life, while I stayed the same. I was clinging to them, to the past, to the feelings that I once had when I was with my friends. At this new school of mine, I didn’t really fit in, and more distance got into my relationship with my parents. But eventually, I changed. I don’t cling to any intimate emotions or feelings anymore. Detachment issues, I’d say. Even now, it gets harder to talk to my old friends. Our life, our thinking, and our personalities are so different. I don’t understand what they are saying, nor do they understand what I’m saying. I love them, but I don’t like them. But it’s life, I guess. People come and go. Nothing lasts forever. So yeah, most of the time, I am alone. But I really enjoy myself, so it’s fine.
Interviewer
How was your last relationship go? Was it a major event that makes you realize you got BPD?
X
Yes, it indeed was. I changed when we broke up. Our relationship was a bit hard to describe. It was a mix of many feelings. I really don’t know where to start.
Interview
Why don’t you tell me about how you guys met?
X
I went to a music event, and she was one of the performers. I had a crush on her right after I saw her dancing. She danced so nice. And she was weirdly, uniquely pretty. Her eyes were shaped and wild, and she had strong jawline, you know. And my god she was so confident. After the event, I wanted to talk to her so bad. But there were a lot of people already crowding her. She seemed very popular. And there was her dad nearby. At that time, I was very anxious, ugly, awkward, and unconfident. So I didn't go and talk to her as I planned, I just went straight home.
Interviewer
What happened next?
X
A few years later, we met again, and I started texting her. Our personalities and senses of humor were very compatible. We listened to the same music, liked the same band, and watched the same phonic movies. But I think it was her mentally ill that bonded so much with mine. It was some kind of trauma bond, I must say. She was depressed, anxious, and self-harm a lot. She hated herself and always told me she didn’t really know who she was, everything on her social media was fake as fuck.
Interviewer
Do you have any specific memory of her? Something related to the trauma bond you just said?
X
We dated for a short time before she went abroad for college. And as the day was near, she had more mental breakdowns, so I came over and comforted her in her room. Her mom didn’t like me at all, so I had to sneak in every time, and left before she came home from her work. My ex’s room was quite individualistic, and small, but interesting. The rooms were full of movie and music posters, and she had a small bookshelf hanging on the wall. She cried a lot and sneezed into my jacket. I didn’t know how, but I wore a waterproof jacket that day. I just thought that this girl was so fucked up, and chaotic, and I loved that. Because I myself was like that. I was familiar, and deeply empathetic with all her sufferings. We bonded deeply through our traumas and mental breakdowns. Now when I recalled, I wondered if things happened between her and me were real love, or if it was just some sort of illusion.
Interviewer
What is that illusion?
X
You know how our brain works. Our brains are prisoned inside a black box, our skulls. It doesn’t really have any physical abilities to touch, smell, or see. So it relies on other senses, to receive information, then it makes decisions and predicts what to do next. But our senses are not perfect. They can feed the brain only half of the truth. And half of the truth is never the truth. There are like 8 billion people on Earth, and we see different, we hear different, and we perceive reality different from each other. Everybody claims that they are right, that what they see is the truth, but so little do they know. We are all hallucinated by our brains, we are all living in separated reality, at the end of the day.
Interviewer
What was your ex like?
X
Tall and pretty, and cute, at the same time, like a kitten. She looked intimidating at first, but once you knew her, she was sweet, nice and clinging. She was a Libra, with Pisces and Cancer placements, as I recalled, so she was very indecisive and not really strong-opinionated. Just kidding, but yeah that was her personality. But for love and romantic feelings, she cut you off very easily. Maybe she knew that she was pretty, and would always have someone to love her, so why bother, you know? I once told her that no one knows a shit about what love is, so let's just pretend that I and her were in love. We were really obsessed with each other at that time.
Interviewer
Why did you guys break up?
X
The long-distance thing, and we were not mentally prepared for it. I got jealous, and I was insecure that she would meet someone else and leave me. And when she told me about other guys sliding into her DMs, of course, she rejected them all, but I still got mad you know. And honestly, I was never her priority. She always valued her friends above me, and I felt lonely and neglected a lot of the time. And instead of communicating, I just isolated myself and silent treatment her. At that time I wasn’t in college yet, so our environment was different. And I did bad things for revenge. Yes, literally revenge.
Interviewer
How so?
X
I wanted her to feel jealous and insecure the way I did. So I manipulated her into thinking that I was cheating on her, so she could feel insecure and worried as I did. It felts so right to do it at that time. That’s the thing about having BPD, you justify your actions at all costs, you believe you are the hero, and everyone else is the villain. I resented her, and I loved her, at the same time. My head was close to exploding. It was so miserable for both of us. We quarreled almost every day. Finally, we broke up.
Interviewer
Did you remember your last conversation?
X
Yes. It was just a normal Sunday afternoon, and I called her on the phone. She was studying with her friends, and we had our last conversations. I did want to make things work, I told her everything about my BPD diagnosis, I admitted my faults, I apologized and I wanted her to keep trying with me. But she didn’t want to. She kinda said she lost feelings for everything, including me. After hearing that, I gave up. I asked her if she ever loved me at all, and she told me she would want to believe that she did. How funny and painful that was.
Interviewer
How is thing between you two now?
X
I don’t know. We haven’t talked since then. There’s nothing much to say, to be honest. I consider it a lesson for me to learn. I saw her having a new boyfriend now.
Interviewer
How do you feel about her getting a new boyfriend?
X
I hold no grudges. It’s hard to do it sometimes, really. My pattern way of thinking keeps obsessing over her, resenting her, and feeling disgusted by her new boyfriend. But I know it wasn’t me, I know I’m trying and I’m moving on. Then I feel calm and happy for her. Of course, her new boyfriend isn’t interesting and good-looking as I am, she never shows his face, but I genuinely wish her all the best.
Interviewer
So do you love her?
X
Yes, I do. I always love her. She is my first love. I move on, but I love her. She is a good person, and she is one of the best things that ever happened to me for so long. I think we can still love people while not wanting them back into our life. This love is kinda the same as the love I have for my old friends. Love is not the same as feelings. Feelings can come and go, but love is kinda a choice, a mental choice to accept and stay with that same person, even if you see their ugly sides. Of course, you guys would want to grow together, improve, and be better. That’s all I have to say for now.
Interviewer
What treatment are you having right now? And do you have any advice for people who are suffering from mental illness?
X
I’m on Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBH) right now. I learn about my self-destructive pattern thinkings, and use a new form of science-based positive thinking to alter my destructive thoughts and behaviors. There are books out there about this treatment, but it’s important to go and see a therapist and get proper diagnosis first. I also meditate and practice mindfulness, they are all forms of science-based treatment so it works really well for me. Advice for other people who are suffering from mental illness is please seek help, you are being hallucinated to normalize your symptoms. It’s not okay to do it. You are not your thoughts and you’ll not lose yourself once you cure your mental health. So please seek help if you can.