Have Some Faith, Papi.
I met God the other day while I was dreaming. I didn’t know how that was even possible. Was it because I accepted a free copy of the Quran that evening, or was it because I’ve been a very good kid to my parents lately? I guess we’ll never know.
Anyways, I saw the place where the prophecy was born, where the Messiah and (white) saviors hang out and gossip. Then I saw God making me a cup of hot Chai tea with a few drops of Vanilla extract on sale from Walmart - which reminded me deeply of my dear friend and comrade, K.
That distant evening, inside a cozy room covered by dim-lit light bulbs with the sense of Margiela burning woods and amber lingering around, I was making everyone some tea. We were on a very, very important meeting about something that I couldn’t remember. But it was very, VERY important.
I refused to give K the cup of Chai tea, cause it was racist to give her Chai tea just because she’s Desi. K then reassured me that it was in fact, not racist at all, cause she asked for the Chai tea in the first place. That moment, I learned something new.
Sorry I think I got off track. Let’s get back to the moment I drank tea with God. God - standing straight in 5’10 (notice how I said 5’10 and not round up to 6’0), pronouns she/they, neurodivergent (ADHD and autism), woman of color (Arabs, for more specific, Palestinian) - was Mother of the oppressed. I mean I could give you more physical descriptions of God, but at the end of the day, God was just an idea and she didn’t exist in that sense. So I wouldn’t bother too much.
I guess I could ask God about trivial things, such as how to free all her oppressed children, or how to spot a white Liberal 10 miles away, but let’s be for real, deep down we know the answer is “There’s no fucking way.”
So instead, I asked her a question that I’ve been dying to know. A question that has been tortured my soul and burned my heart to ashes. A question that would fix all my fucked up that existed a long time ago - way before I was an embryo in my Mother’s womb. That question was: “Is my Tinder date really busy, or is she just not that into me?”
If I were you, I’d take God’s word with a grain of salt. After all, who did this bitch think she was? God could be wise and shit or whatever, but women, they were something else. Even God herself couldn’t make sense of them.
Anyways, God told me it’s not that deep. Cause:
- “If she likes you, you’ll know.”
People make time for the one that matters to them, fucking Messiah over there has time to reply to her crush’s Instagram story. What’s your excuse?
- “Your Tinder date is not real, she is a concept made up by your excuses. Strip them off and you’ll see her for who she is.”
And who she is, is that she’s not into you. And it’s OKAY.
- “If she likes you, she won’t let you guessing.”
It takes 5 secs to shoot you a heads-up message explain why she can’t hang out for a period of time, so you don’t have to wait around, wonder, and beat yourself up.
- “You are NOT needy. She’s just incapable of giving you what you need.”
Wanting to receive a few check-in messages throughout a day is NOT needy. Wanting to hang out more than once every 2 weeks is NOT needy. Wanting to put a label on a relationship is NOT needy. The bar is in hell, go find someone that would give you what you need.
- “If she’s into you, she won’t forget to text you, even after another 9/11.”
People don’t slip your mind that easy if you are important to them in the first place.
- “If you need to beg for a text, she’s not that into you.”
Again, who spreads the idea that love is hard? Healthy relationship is NOT hard, fucked up one is. Use your time and energy wise young lady, women expire after they turn 25 (According to Leonardo Dicaprio) and your clock is ticking.
- “She tells you who she is all the time. You just don’t want to hear the truth.”
Doesn’t follow through with her word? Leaves you on read for days? 5% doing work bureaucracy, and 95% pretending to contribute something matters to society (no judge, isn't everyone?), thus forgetting about you? Is that really your dream woman?
- “Actions speak louder than words.”
Words are futile devices. There’s no deep down, what you see is what you get.
- “People don’t change, not really.”
Accept people for who they are, cause they don’t change. And sometimes who they are, is that they aren’t good enough for you. And it’s okay, cause someone else will be good enough for you.
- “ There’s no mystery - she disappears on you, and that’s shitty of her.”
Why would you want to keep a shitty person around anyways?
I cut God off in the middle of her speech. I asked her what if I’d never find someone that’s into me. Isn’t this better than nothing?
“How do you know that, last time I check you ain’t on the list of the upcoming prophets. Are you sure you would rather exist with someone who makes you cry every night than being on your own?”
God didn’t know shit about me and my personality, I said. What if all I deserve is some girl's scraps of affection? What if I’m a bad person? How could God possibly know?
“Well, I don’t. And I don’t know you, that’s true. But even a real fucked-up person deserves love, don’t you think?
I thought you were radicals and always posted things like everyone deserves love. Don’t be a bitch like those whitey Libs. Just have some faith, man. What else is there?”
Then, God told me to manned up and write down my standards. There’s nothing such as impossibly high standards, as long as you can live up to it. I’m sharing it with you guys below.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who is “too busy right now for a serious relationship.”
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who can’t hold an intellectual conversation.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who’s completely fine with going radio silent on me for days.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who identifies as a Liberal.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl that expects me to be a “man” in a relationship.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who doesn’t know when to take and when to give.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who doesn’t reciprocate my energy and effort.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who isn’t thoughtful and proactive.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want.
- I won’t date a Miss Girl who isn’t a caring and loving person.
- I WANT a Miss Girl who’s honest with the love she gives, careless with the way she talks.
Then God disappeared, and I woke up. The alarm turned 5 a.m. Well, did I feel relieved? Sure—the same way someone has been punching you in the face for 5 hours straight and finally stopped.
Will I commit to this because I love and respect myself too much? No.
I do this cause I’m bored of the same misery over again. The day I was born, my parents tossed me to a nanny and went right back to work. Emotionally unavailability is too outdated at this point. If you have to, then bring me a new misery!
I always thought a serious relationship is what draining and fucking me up, so for a while, I had been trying to adopt a new mindset of “hook-up-no-attach”, in hopes of proving that I’m independent and strong on my own. Turned out, I was even more miserable. I hated suppressing my affection, biting my tongue, keeping my needs in secret, being a “cool kid” and brushing off my feelings so my hookups could come and go as they wanted.
I want a monogamous, committed, long-term and healthy relationship with my partner. I won’t settle for less. I know she’s somewhere out there, and I believe we will meet someday. Just gotta have some faith, papi, cause what else is there?